“People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any of us can come to being happy.”
― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
What if the secret to peak performance isn’t just about what you do—but how well you manage your internal world while doing it?
According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the father of flow theory, the ability to shape one’s moment-to-moment experience is the foundation of optimal functioning (1990). Flow—the state of complete immersion and peak output—doesn’t just happen by accident. It can emerge when emotional arousal is regulated.
In his research, Csikszentmihalyi found that flow states arise when our attention is fully focused, our goals are clear, and our emotions are aligned with the challenge at hand. But without emotional regulation, this alignment breaks down. We become reactive, distracted, or overwhelmed—unable to access the clarity that optimal performance demands (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990).
Whether you’re an athlete chasing milliseconds or a CEO navigating high-stakes decision making, your ability to regulate your internal state determines whether you lead with calm and clarity, or collapse under pressure.
What is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation refers to the ability to monitor, evaluate, and adjust emotional reactions in ways that support well-being, resilience, and performance (Gross, 1998; Gross & Thompson, 2007). It doesn’t mean pushing down or ignoring emotions. Rather, it’s about developing a greater capacity to accept, and work with, all inner states — such as anxiety, frustration, or fear— in an effective way, so that your emotions support, rather than sabotage, your goals.
For high performers, the ability to regulate emotions becomes especially important in moments of stress or uncertainty. The capacity to stay composed during a high-pressure moment, to recover after a mistake in competition, or stay focused when things get unpredictable is a skill that can be developed — emotion regulation is what makes the difference between reacting impulsively and responding strategically (Lane et al., 2012).
The Body’s Role in Performance: Regulate Your Nervous System
When it comes to performing under pressure, it’s not just your mindset that matters. It’s your nervous system.
Your nervous system controls how you react to stress. When you feel safe, calm, and connected, you can think more clearly, focus, and make strong decisions. But when you’re overly triggered—by overwhelming anxiety, conflict, or pressure—your body might shift into survival mode. You might feel agitated or shut down altogether (Porges, 2011).
Psychologist and neuroscientist Stephen Porges developed what’s called Polyvagal Theory, which helps explain these responses:
- “Fight or flight” mode happens when your body senses danger. You may get angry, anxious, tense, reactive, and may lose focus.
- “Freeze” or “shut down” mode occurs when things feel too overwhelming. You might disconnect, go numb, or feel paralyzed.
- “Rest and digest” is your ideal state. In this mode, you’re calm but alert. You feel safe, present, and in control—this is where performance thrives.
To perform at your highest level, you don’t need to eliminate stress – but you do need to develop the capacity to work with it. High performers build the internal flexibility to stay grounded and self-regulate in the midst of challenge.
Emotion Regulation Strategies and Reflective Practices
In my work with high performers, I often highlight that emotion regulation is less about “hacks” and more about developing a relationship to your emotional world. Emotion regulation is a consistent practice of returning to yourself with awareness, presence, and self-trust, especially under pressure.
Here are a few core tools that support the development of meaningful, sustainable emotion regulation abilities:
1. Attune Before You Act
Pause and notice your inner state. Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- Where is it in my body?
- Is this familiar? What does it remind me of?
This moment of awareness creates space between emotion and action—a space where you can choose your response.
2. Co-Regulate With Trusted Others
Humans are wired for, and regulate best, in healthy connections. Whether with a partner, teammate, or therapist, safe relationships send signals to the nervous system that you’re not alone.
In high-performance settings, this fact is often overlooked. You’re expected to have it together, to push through on your own. Yet, the ability to lean into a trusted relationship — even briefly—is one of the most powerful ways to shift from emotional dysregulation into a more regulated, grounded state.
In therapy or coaching, you’re not just learning tools—you’re practicing co-regulation in real time. A skilled therapist or coach can help you:
- Track your emotional patterns and nervous system responses
- Tolerate and process difficult emotions
- Reflect on relational patterns that shape how you respond under stress
- Internalize a regulating presence that supports you even outside the room
3. Ground Yourself With Symbols or Rituals
Simple, meaningful cues can help stabilize your inner world under stress:
- A word or phrase that reconnects you to your values
- A physical gesture (like placing a hand on your chest)
- A small object you carry that reminds you of strength or purpose
- A breathwork ritual to calm your system
High performance isn’t just about how hard you work or how much you know. It’s about how well you manage the one thing that shows up in every moment: your internal state.
The more skilled you become at working with your inner world, the more effective, present, and powerful you become in the outer one.
References:
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: Harper & Row.
Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271
Gross, J. J., & Thompson, R. A. (2007). Emotion regulation: Conceptual foundations. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of Emotion Regulation (pp. 3–24). Guilford Press.
Lane, A. M., Beedie, C. J., Devonport, T. J., & Stanley, D. M. (2012). Instrumental emotion regulation in sport: Relationships between beliefs about emotion and emotion regulation
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strategies used by athletes. Scandinavian Journal of Medicine & Science in Sports, 22(5), 646–654.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.